By Syafini Sahimi
What is your preparation to holy matrimony? Say you have the candidate but you are not sure if he or she was the right one. What if he or she didn’t qualify your specifications and what are the qualities that we search out for in a good spouse? If we met the one, what are the ways to maintain the relationship?
First, we need to tell ourselves that as human beings, we are subjected to flaws. One rule to make things easier is, we do not put high expectations on our other half. We must accept them just the way they are. However, we have the right to make sure the one we put up with, is up to our par of expectation. Here are some tips to a happy marriage.
1. Al-Quran & Sunnah. These are relevant in our lives. The guidance’s said we need to make a choice. Who’s we? We here refers to the persons who are seriously looking for a lifetime partner either for themselves or parents to their children. It is the parents’ or wali’s duty to choose carefully for their children.
2. There are four conditions that you can determine in choosing the right husband. There is strength (iman), trustworthiness (Amanah), moral conduct (the fruit of the “Act of Worship”) and have a good religious background. Other factors should be the means to get married, appearance (the apple to your eyes), fertility and piety.
3. Whilst for the wife, the four conditions are wealth in managing her money, lineage, beauty, and deen. Other factors to weigh in, are pleasure, fertility, virginity, and compatibility.
4. Next is the methods on choosing the spouse. There are four ideal ways to knowing and determining our spouses which are by istisharah (consulting others), istikharah (seeking the knowledge of Allah), determination and trust of your good faith.
Now let’s say we have all the criteria needed in our spouse. What’s next? Planning the wedding and the marriage itself. How are we going to make sure that what we are planning is towards for the betterment of the next life? Our decisions or the way we act now could affect the way we lead our life moving forward. These are some of the tips to ensure the effectiveness in managing our life coherently with the partner.
1. Communicate. The art of communication is varied for each person. Generally, men and women have different ways of expressing their emotions in both words and actions. Typically, women would express their feelings aggressively compared to men due to their lack of reasonableness. Men tend to find for solutions rather than discuss the problems, unlike women, they want to talk about the problem. Here, both men and women shall respect each other and this leads to the next step.
2. Listen. Listening is different to hearing. We listen to understand. Not to have something to reply back. Whilst hearing is merely to fulfil the common knowledge of the situation without offering any comfort or solutions.
3. Understand. We talk and listen to each other in order to have a mutual understanding on the problems or situations. When two people involved in an argument, one party must be the cool one. This is because we tend to be irresponsible to what we said when we are angry. Some of us may need time to reflect on things but if the other party requires communication to happen, one must have the time to understand. The key to a healthy relationship is to have both men and women working on it.
4. Last but not least, do your duties as husbands and wives rightfully. Know your responsibilities and support each other. You may learn all these in courses directed by your nearest Islamic organizations or you may seek advice from experienced people or from religious people who have knowledge about a happy yet healthy marriage.
There are more to these secrets which you can enroll for our online course, ‘Home Sweet Home’.